August 5th, 2011
I have no energy, my breasts are sore, and I've been nauseous all morning.
August 3rd, 2011
I've worked out so much today that I'm WIPED out.
And only had 90 cals!
My problem is with eating in the middle of the night which I'm trying not to do.
But I'm so tired I think I'll just pass out.
I hope I lose a lil' somethin' somethin'
Gained a pound. URGH.
Didn't even seem like I ate much yesterday, but I counted the calories and it was 900.
I didn't do any sort of work out yesterday because I was too depressed.
But I did some cardio and ab work this morning, plan to swim some laps in the pool, and a long walk when it gets cooler.
And try to keep my calories below 500.
AHHH I JUST WANT TO BE SKINNY.
August 2nd, 2011
I wanted a tattoo for my birthday, and now my mom says I can't get a tattoo while I'm living here.
I've been looking forward to my birthday for MONTHS so I can get a tattoo.
My ex says he'll still buy me one and we can hide it. Yay.
But I still cut myself.
I realize now that I cut myself out of anger.
I'm usually angry when I hurt myself. Weird? I don't know.
Quotes I Found Online:
Everytime you say no to food, you say yes to thin.
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
It's not deprivation, it's liberation.
Eat to live, but don't live to eat.
I'm not there yet, but I am closer than I was yesterday.
Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what gets you there.
Thinner is the winner.
Of course it's hard, if it were easy, everyone would be thin.
Quod me nutrit, me destruit. (That which nourishes me destroys me.)
AND SINCE I'M A HUGE NERD, A QUOTE FROM STAR WARS, THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
Do or do not do, there is no try.
I haven't written in here in a long time!
Been spending a lot of time with my son.
And getting a lot of migraines.
Still haven't lost all the weight I gained at the hospital but I'm SO CLOSE, yay.
The water fast didn't work out. I lasted a day but the next day I was so lethargic and had coffeee, oh well.
I hope all of you lovelies are doing well! <3
July 27th, 2011
Lost 2 pounds since yesterday, even after the binge.
July 26th, 2011
GOD I JUST BINGED AGAIN.
I was able to purge, but probably not all of it came out.
IT'S MY FREAKING SLEEPING PILLS AND BENZO.
They make me so calm and relaxed and hungry and then I just binge.
God it pisses me off so fucking much. If I didn't need sleep so much I wouldn't take the damn things.
But now I'm going to take them later in the night when I'm already tired.
And then I'm going straight to bed.
Not leaving my bedroom.
And, on my bedroom door will be a sign telling me not to eat, with a couple of thinspo pictures.
We shall see how that works out.
And I'm thinking about starting a water fast tomorrow.
Do it for a week maybe. Maybe 10 days.
I just want to try SOMETHING.
The only thing that will drive me crazy is no coffee. AHHH.
But I can go 7 days without coffee. I think.
No, no, no, I CAN.
Well, I've lost a little bit of the weight I gained which is good.
Its slow and steady pace and I'll try to be patient!
I think my mom is finally seeing how severe my obsession with weight is.
I've been bulimic for 13 years, and my mom has been fully aware with it.
But I guess the weight gain in the hospital has really fucked my mind up.
The last three times I ate, I cried afterwards.
I've given up on purging because my body won't do it, maybe my hernia has gotten worse.
So instead of purging, I cry.
Because I eat.
I told this to my mom and she was like, "You're really that depressed about your weight?"
Usually when I'm really depressed it's about a guy and she assumed that...
and I told her how fat and disgusting I am and I can't eat anymore or I'll cry.
I'm crying just thinking about how I ate last night. And it wasn't even that much!
On a condition of me staying here with my parents, I have to go to therapy.
Its called DBT therapy which specializes in borderline personality disorder, which I have.
I have to go 3 times a week!!!
And one common trait of people with BPD is eating disorders, so they'll be dealing with that.
I don't think I want to be helped with that though. I'm depressed when I eat! Even the littlest of meals.
I start next week.
And then she asked me if I'm judgemental about other peoples' weight, and I told her I ias.
Then she asked me if I thought she was fat.
I was like OMG.
My mom has put on a little weight being older. She's in her 50s, and she looks amazing for her age.
So I told her I think she looks great. I didn't add "for your age" because I hate when people say I look great for "having a baby."
But I saw an old friend last night. Someone I hook up with.
And the last time he saw me was a long time ago, only a few months after I had my baby and he said I looked skinny and that made me happy.
Oh and P.S. Trojan twisted pleasure condoms are awesome, haha.
July 24th, 2011
So, it hasn't been a good week out of the hospital.
Migraines every day, ugh.
Problems with the husband, and we're seperated now so I'm at my parents.
And you know what I've been doing?
Stress eating. @#$%$^$^&^&&
I haven't gained any weight, thank God.
But I haven't lost the 8 pounds I gained while in the hospital.
The eating is making me more depressed and I feel this enormous amount of shame every time I do it.
I try to purge, but hardly anything comes out.
I just need to focus.
I want to lose a lot of weight, but I'm just going to make a small goal right now and lose the 8 pounds.
Thats all I'm going to focus on.
And it will be easier without my husband who makes me eat.
My parents know I have an eating disorder but they stopped caring a long time ago so it will be easier to lose weight here.
Wish me luck!!! :D